2006-05-27 - 6:11 p.m.
So I really, really miss my friends and family.
I don't want to post something like this on myspace, because I don't need everyone and their brother reading it. Nobody really knows about this site, nobody that I know in person, anyway.
It's always worse around holidays or long weekends. I really don't have anyone when Chris is at work. I have two friends here, one has a boyfriend and her own existing circle of friends and sometimes I try to fanagle my way into social gatherings of theirs, but if she doesn't invite after I ask "what are you doing this weekend?" and she asks the same and I say "no plans", I leave it alone.
The other one is a really nice gal, but sometimes I need different company. We have VERY different personalities, and frankly it's exhausting spending time with her. She's very nice, but very much my opposite in many ways. I don't WANT to talk about work when I'm not at work, I am not married to my job, I don't always have to be DOING something, I like California and I like living here, I'm not unhappy with my job (for the most part), and various other factors. I like to RELAX, I don't feel the need to TALK EVERY SECOND I am with someone (especially when working out).
I really just want to have the freedom to get together with MY friends and do what WE do. I want to go to one of their houses (or have them over to mine) and have a kegger bbq. Or have a girls' night, in only the way we can. Or catch a cab and go to a good bar (I still haven't found a bar that I actually like here). But I hate Michigan and hate the weather there and probably couldn't find a job if I tried. I don't want to move back, and I'm afraid if I do, it will be just like it was before, and I'll never see them anyway.
Here's the thing. I'm actually quite pissed at them. When I lived in Michigan, I called them ALL THE TIME to do things. I rarely saw them because they all lived in different cities, had their own lives, had their own plans, and there was only one that I saw even more than once a month.
Now, the whole crew (minus me and one other) is back in Chartucky, for whatever reason, and they hang out together All. The. Time. Every weekend I get drunken phone calls because they're out together. They're always going during the week to meet each other for lunches and dinners, or going to the movies, or whatever. It's like, they've all, at the exact same time, decided that NOW they have tons of time to spend together, but back when I wanted to, they just couldn't make the time to see me. And it really pisses me off.
I've felt this way before so maybe I'm just super sensitive. It reminds me of my college graduation. I graduated the same weekend as some other friends, but due to several factors ($$$) I was working for and living alone in a studio apartment. And how many of my friends called to say congrats, or came to my graduation? Zero. (Wait, I take that back. Two who were not in college did come.) But when a mutual friend of ours graduated at the end of the next year, I got MAJOR SHIT for not going. And the only reason I didn't go was that I was so depressed to still be in the same job, in the same apartment, and not doing a damn thing with my life that I could barely drag myself out of bed that day, after coming to the realization that I had been graduated for a whole year and really hadn't done anything (hadn't yet realized the MI economy was to blame for my lack of job-finding).
Anyway. I'm just really bummed. I miss my friends and I'm angry that when I was there and wanted to see them, they always had excuses, but now? I get the guilt trip for not coming home more often. I don't have many vacation days, I can't just jet home for a long weekend. Nor do I have the money for that.
It's really hard to make friends here, too, and it's taking a toll on me. I really do not know what else to do to meet new people. I am volunteering for a Relay for Life next weekend, so I hope to god I meet someone to at least have a nice conversation with and maybe find someone that I could potentially hang out with in the future. I have answered Strictly Platonic ads on craigslist, I have tried going to bars (I hate going to the bars that Chris goes to and honestly anyone who is there on Tuesday night probably does not have the same interests or a real job like I do), I work out at the gym, I took a dance class, but none of it really provides an opportunity to be like hey, you wanna go get our nails done sometime? Or go have lunch? And I hope this doesn't make me look like a crazy desperate stalker by asking? I just really don't know what else to do or where to go to meet someone.
I read an article in Oprah magazine last night about loneliness... and I scored way up there on the loneliness self test. I wouldn't be a bit surprised after reading that if it really was the root of why I've gained weight, why I've missed two periods, why I'm so tired and why I'm so bitchy. I'm just so embarrassed to go to my doctor and say hey, I'm really lonely, can you fix it? Because how is a doctor going to fix that? Antidepressants, so I'm not so bummed from being lonely? Great. Tell me to get out and meet new people? I might smack him if he says that. It's easier than it sounds, folks. Easier than it sounds.
Anyway, enough from me. Maybe I should be out randomly approaching strangers trying to make new friends.
Ugh.
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